The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
