I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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