I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
