i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
