I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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