i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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