call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
