So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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