I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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