Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
is that a dick in a sweater?
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