drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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