YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
