Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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