I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
