My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
