Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
