Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
