that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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