the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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