I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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