I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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