I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
