I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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