look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
