I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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