i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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