I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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