i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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