I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
