the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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