Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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