I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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