false alarm. still invincible.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
