the condom got lost in my hair
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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