Betty ford says i'm here all night
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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