I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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