At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
