He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize