Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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