I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
