I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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