I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
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