I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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