you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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