omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
