I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
