drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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