Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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