My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
