You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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