lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
