The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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