My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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