M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
