operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
