Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
