if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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